Day 46 – Happy V Day

I’m tired…my knee hurts…more tomorrow!

Day 44 – Why I Walk For Alzheimer’s

Not everyone knows why I walk for Alzheimer’s, or take regular trips to the cemetery. Not everyone knows how much my Uncle meant to me. Since I’ve made the decision to link to my walk here, I felt I needed to also explain why raising money for Alzheimer’s is so very important to me.
I’m still choosing not to link back to my old blog. So I’ve copied the post I wrote after my Uncle died here, so that you, whoever you are, can truly understand why this Alzheimer’s walk is so very important to both myself and my family.
Please grab a tissue. 

{January 17, 2007}   I Miss You So Much…

I kept looking at my laptop yesterday, thinking I should post something about you. I’ve never had a problem sitting down and writing about how you were doing, and how your disease was progressing. After watching you take your last breath yesterday though, I’ve found it not so easy. Just opening this window, and knowing I was going to write about you, made me start crying. I’ve never cried as hard as I did when you stopped breathing. Even though we knew it was going to happen, and that it was going to happen anytime. It’s why we were there in the hospital with you, because we knew this was the end.
But seeing my Aunt Betty collapse onto your chest and finally start sobbing; well, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I ran out to my car, slipping on the ice and snow, and just started sobbing. Sobs that sounded like screams and felt like my chest were turning inside out with each one.
I went back in, and we sat with you for a while, talking to you, holding your hands, kissing you, talking to each other. Finally, we knew it was time to go, and let the hospital staff do their jobs. I stood there staring at you, and I swear your chest was moving, you were breathing. But you weren’t. It was my own selfish, wishful thinking. I know you’re so much happier now. You’ve been in pain and confused for too long. You’re now back to being the larger than life Uncle Bill I’ve always known and loved. You’re back to being the gruff man who didn’t much care for kids, but would rock my baby Ariel for hours and hours and hours, and bite my head off if I wanted to go lay her down.
You and Ariel and your grandson Blair always had such a great relationship! They both thought you walked on water, and you could make anything fun for them. Just throwing dirt or kicking rocks took on a whole new meaning when they did it with you!
I remember when I was 3 or 4, and I did what I wasn’t supposed to, and I ended up getting hit by my cousin racing his bike. It knocked me unconscious , split my eye wide open, and left me with lots of bumps and bruises. Aunt Betty doctored me up and lay me on the couch next to you. I remember waking up, and the first thing I saw was the football game on TV. You looked over at me and said “You won’t do that again will you?” I don’t remember my answer, if any, but I curled up in your lap and went back to sleep.
The last couple of years haven’t been that man though. You started off by forgetting things; little things, like where you put your keys. But then you started driving places, just in town, and not knowing where you were or why you went there, and then after a while, you didn’t know how to get home either. So Aunt Betty had to take away your keys, which didn’t work because you’ve always been smart as hell, and you’d find them and the first thing you’d do is go off driving. So Aunt Betty sold your truck. God, I’ve never seen you so mad as you were then! But you forgot, as was normal with the disease…you forgot you’d ever had a truck, or that she’d sold it.
When Aunt Betty made the decision to move you guys up to Shingletown, I was so sad and worried and happy, all at the same time. Sad because I wouldn’t be able to stop in and see you guys whenever I wanted, worried because I thought it might make your mind worse to take you to a different environment, and happy because every time Aunt Betty talked about the move, she was so happy to be getting out of this area and getting to be closer to her daughter and 3 grandchildren!
The kids and I came up there to see you guys as much as we could. Ariel’s favorite thing was taking you to play in the snow with us, because you’d push them down little snowy hills on their sleds and throw snowballs at them. Our last trip to the snow with you in January was a little scary. You kept wanting to walk out onto the highway, and I kept telling you you couldn’t. I was getting really worried that if I turned my back you’d try to cross the highway. Finally you got mad at me and said “Do you want me to just pee right here??” Apparently you had to pee, but it took you a really long time to get the words out. I almost started crying right there on the spot!
It wasn’t but maybe a month after that that we had to put you in the home. I thought that was the hardest thing any of us would ever have to do. My naive mind refused to believe that this meant you were getting worse, and fast. I refused to believe you would ever die.
And then I got a call at work on Monday that you were rushed to the hospital and not expected to live more than 2 hours. Your blood pressure was 70/0. I started crying and told my boss I had to go and I wasn’t sure when I’d be back. I raced up there, calling when there was phone service, and finding out that you were holding on.
A little over 4 hours later, I got to you. I walked into the hospital room, and it didn’t even look like you, not at all. I started bawling all over again, having thought the 4 hours of crying on the way there would drain me. But no, seeing you there, that was real, and it wasn’t something I was ready for.
After a few hours, nothing had changed. You hadn’t gotten better, but you hadn’t gotten worse either. My cousin (your granddaughter) Melisa and I, refused to leave, and made the “adults” go to the hotel and get some rest. We got out Mellisa’s straightening iron (has she told you she’s just finished cosmetology school??) and she set out to straighten my ever so curly and thick hair. All the while, we were both facing you, watching you, making sure the rattle never left your chest, because it had become the thing that made you ok (in our minds).
My hair turned out great, and now touches my butt because it’s straight. I love it so much, and Melissa is going to do it permanently on Saturday for me. Every time I look at it, I’ll remember you, and that night. But that was an ok time, because you were there, and you were holding on.
By morning, I wasn’t sure what you were waiting for, but it was clear that you were waiting for something. You were breathing so hard, the rattle had gotten louder, and you were losing the color in your face. Finally Aunt Betty and Cheril got on either side of you, and I stood rubbing your leg. Aunt Betty told you it was ok to go, that your parents were waiting for you, and that she’d see you soon. She told you how much she loves you, and always has. I just kept telling you it was ok. I don’t know what was ok, but it was ok…you were ok, and we were ok. Finally, Cheril kissed your cheek, and told you that we would all take care of Mom (Aunt Betty to me). All of a sudden your breathing slowed, then stopped, within minutes. That’s all you needed to know, that the love of your life was ok, and was going to be taken care of.
I’ve never seen my Aunt Betty cry like that, and my own chest has never hurt so badly. I kissed your cheek, told you I love you, and went outside for a minute, which is where this tribute to you comes full circle.
I love you so much; so much more than I thought or knew or could comprehend. Watching you go, seeing Aunt Betty’s pain, and feeling my own heart literally hurting so badly…none of those compared to when we finally left, and we had to leave you there. We don’t get to see you again, except in our pictures and in our hearts and our minds’ eye.

Such a handsome man! Nov. 2005

All of us, Jan. 2006

Playing in the snow Nov. 2005

I love you so much, and you are already so missed! I hope you’re fishing, just like Ariel prayed for for you. I love you…

Day 41 – Gone Crazy

Day 40 – I Need A Road Trip!

The whole premise of this blog is that I’m getting rid of crap via road trips. The fact that I haven’t taken one in forever makes me feel like a fraud! The fact that I have a ton of stuff to work through because of the uterine donor makes it necessary.
I don’t know if I’m grieving, or just working through the crap, but boy-howdy are the emotions and thoughts all over the place! The only thing that has remained constant is I have no desire to ever have her in my life again, in any way, shape or form. But that’s really such a small piece of the puzzle. I find myself feeling bad for her now, guilty that I’ve made her cry, because I know perception is reality. Her perception, no matter how skewed, is what is real to her. That reality is that we’ve been mean to her, broken her heart, and left her to fend for herself. It makes me sad that I’ve caused a person to feel this way.
The true reality, however, we all know is much different, and really does leave myself and my family as the victim. Knowing all of this is where my roller coaster starts. One minute I’m spittin’ mad, and the next I feel like crying because she’s hurting. It’s ridiculous, and the entire thing makes me angry in the end. And exhausts me.
I need to figure out how to let go of all of it, and just be neutral with the entire situation. I don’t need the hate eating at me. I don’t need the poison.

I’m down a pound, and sore as all get out, so I think this exercise thing is working. I’m taking a break tonight…drinking lots of water and letting my body heal. Back at it tomorrow…maybe some couch to 5k?

Tonight, I leave you with something that made me a bit green…I so want this, and I’m jealous that they have it!

Day 39 – Shimmy

Tonight I decided to mix up my workout and utilize the OnDemand feature of cable. I did some belly dancing, hip hop dancing, yoga, zumba, and boxing. Since I mixed it up, it felt like my workout flew by, and it still kicked my ass in a big way! Love that!
I didn’t run tonight like I had planned. It’s ridiculously windy and cold here today/tonight for some reason, and I just don’t even want to be out in it, let alone run in it!

Quick side note. I just accidentally ripped off my K key. My nail got stuck under it. Oops! Luckily it went right back on. Now I know how to remove the keys on my keyboard!

Anyways, my weight is no different tonight, but I did take my week 1 pictures. They’re not pretty, and that’s ok, because soon they’re going to be amazing! I may even post a before and after when this is all said and done. On second thought, don’t want to scare away the readers I do have!

Opening game for our AAA baseball team here is April 7th! I’m so excited I can’t even handle it! I wish we had the money to go to every single game, ’cause you can bet your sweet ass I’d be there cheering them on!

I don’t know that I have a lot more to say. Other than I almost just ripped off another key. Think it’s time to cut the nails down or something!

Tonight I leave you with a picture of a house in SF. I’ve always loved the colors, and it makes me crave some SF every time I look at it!

Day … up to 33! – Over Flow

You know, if I blogged every day like I’m supposed to, it’d be easier to keep track of the days! Crazy concept, I know.

I just can’t even handle blogging right now…too much going on, and not enough brain left over to write about it. All I can say is UGH!

Hopefully I’ll be back soon.