What do you do with all the things you don’t say? With all the things you don’t do? This will sound funny to some of you that know me, that know I say whatever comes to mind, but believe it or not, some things do get locked up tight, never passing through my lips. Some thoughts and feelings are too much, and can’t be given oxygen to breathe and grow, for fear of what they’ll turn into.
Once again I’m faced with a life changing decision. I’ve been faced with it before, and I always tuck it safely away inside, filling my life with other things so I don’t think about, lying to myself that the problem is no longer there. And every so often it rears it’s disfigured head, daring me to confront it, challenging me to do something about it, slapping me in the face with my own lying words: Everything is great! It’s never great when someone says that. Those 3 little words should be a red flag to anyone, and should never be taken at face value.
But what am I to do? Grab my shovel and bury a bit deeper this time? Scream out a selfish FUCK YOU? Neither feels good. Both rot away my heart. Bit by bit. Both leaving a trail of destruction, one a hurricane, the other a tornado, a matter of opinion which is worse.
It’s days like today I wish for a time machine. For what, I don’t know. Would I go forward, would I go backward? Neither holds much appeal. Maybe I need an EASY button.
Jul18
