Life otherwise is meandering on quite nicely. Husband is on cloud 9 with his job, and we all love our country life. Some days, like today, I like to just sit back and enjoy watching my family grow. It’s a bittersweet feeling really. Our Jose is getting a bit older every day. There are days when he growls at Winnie whenever she comes near him and instantly melts into Dad’s massages, and other days when he seems like a young pup. The young pup days are fewer and fewer though, and we have to remind him daily that we plan on him living to be 103. At least. Truth be told, Jose is like our child, mine and Husband’s, because we got him not too long after we got married, and he’s been through every part of our marriage with us. Letting him go is something we’re just not prepared to deal with at any time!
Winnie is also growing older each day, although she is still but a pup at just over a year old, and it’s fun to see her fill out and turn into her adult self. Sometimes you can see her puppy brain at work with her adolescent body as she walks off of the couch that she forgot had an edge, or rolls off the bed that isn’t never ending. And her joy when we come home every day; unmatched!
And then we have Tyler. My gorgeous blue eyed boy is turning into a young man before my very eyes. He wears deodorant now on warm days, and has honest opinions on things like which animals we should be eating based on how they’re treated. He wants to know everything about anything, and soaks it all up like a sponge! He says he wants to be a Physicist, and I can already see that he has the mind for it. None of this, however, stops him from cuddling on my lap, sleeping on me whenever he gets the chance, and crying when he stubs his toe. I love all of these things about him, and I hope that he keeps his little boyishness about him forever. He doesn’t truly push boundaries, and he wants nothing more than to be near his loved ones and make them proud. He’s the best little boy a mother could ever ask for!
As for myself, I’m trudging along through school. Online school is a bit harder than traditional classroom learning, and I find myself struggling at times to teach myself with the tools I am given. Most of the time, I think it’s a stubborn mental block more than anything else. I have to watch my self talk, and I do ok. I currently have a 3.35 GPA. Not a 4.0, but I’ll take it. Tonight I’ve been working on a paper about whether or not racial profiling is ever acceptable, and I have to show not only my argument, but the counter argument, and I have to do so via research. The research part is the hardest part for me. I want to print out everything I find so I can make notes, and it’s just not cost effective to do that, so I’m learning how to be a paperless person, and utilize this handy dandy machine on my lap. My friend Kristi would be so proud!

Tonight, I leave you with my view from our bedroom window as I write this post…I love our life!

That’s all I have for now, just a quick little life goal post

I don’t mean to continually vanish, but it keeps happening. Good thing Carlos kicked me in the butt!
I tend to vanish when I’m having a hard time, and this year has been challenging at best!
Life is turning around though. We still don’t have contact with my mom, which is great! We’ve moved out of the ghetto, and we’re now renting a small, 100 yr old farmhouse on 80 acres with fishing in our backyard! I’m just finishing up my first term with Kaplan and doing well there. The kids and dogs are great! And husband got a new job that he LOVES!
So yeah…life is good. I’ll write more

I leave you with our backyard!

Tomorrow I go back to work after being out sick for a week. The girl that hates me because I challenge her won’t be happy to see me, and I’m sure she’ll make it known. My filter is more broken than usual these days, which doesn’t bode well for either of us. Is there a way to say “Fuck Off” with proper etiquette? I mean, if you want to hate me because I suck, please do, but if you only want to hate me because you’re afraid I’ll take your job, then, please, kindly go fuck yourself, and stop trying to make my life miserable. I have enough going on without ridiculous drama from some little girl that has no idea how to be a supervisor!

*Deep breath*

I have no idea where this post is going. Today I leave you with a picture of the doggies kissing

We’ve been dealing with a lot here at our house. Let’s do this blog in outline form, shall we?

*Doc thinks I have Lupus *
Apparently during my last ER visit, something showed up on my blood work. Some auto something or other to do with my blood. The doc who called said I need to get insurance and go see a Rheumatologist.  After looking up the symptoms of Lupus, it makes perfect sense, right down to the nonsensical Non Alcoholic Liver Disease I have. So, we just got the open enrollment papers from Husband’s work, and we’re trying to figure out how to work an additional $500 per month into our budget.

*Husband has applied for a job with the railroad, working with his big brother.*
This means more money and great benefits. Downside: he’ll have to kinda move back to Oregon/Washington for the time being, because that’s where the job is. I’m not prepared for him to leave in the least, but something has to give with his employment situation, and apparently school just isn’t an option for him, since I’ve been trying to get him to go for the 3 years we’ve been married!

* My daughter hates me.*
This one would seem like the norm to anyone else with a teenage daughter, and I’m sure the 13 plays a big part in it, but there is definitely more going on than hormones. My daughter still has a lot of hurt and anger towards me for moving to Oregon. Her father and step mother have fueled this fire with their own personal brand of gasoline, choosing to push me as far out of her life as possible. At this point, she prefers them over us, and the battle just isn’t feasible anymore. I could drag the whole thing through court, but quite honestly, she’s 13, and able to voice her opinion. Whether that opinion has been coached or helped along, it’s her opinion, and I’m hearing her loud and clear. It’s been a tough road to be sure.

* I’m finally back in school!*
Having to quit going to my on campus school so I could go back to work was really hard, especially when they made it super difficult to get enrolled with my online school. But, everything is done, and I start Kaplan’s Paralegal program March 23^rd! I’m super excited, and got my first books today!

So that’s our current life in a nutshell. Oh, did I forget, I currently have a sinus infection, double ear infection, stomach flu, and a bad bad bad tooth that needs to be pulled.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Today, I leave you with a picture of some of my new jewelry. I got it free when I hosted my launch party. Love free =)

We got our taxes filed about 10 minutes ago, and we’re getting a return that will get us all up to date and current on everything (YAY!) and last night we noticed I have a broken tooth (hence the pain I’ve been in) and of course, we still have no insurance. See. Back and forth. It’s ok though, Faith. Gotta have it!

My weight loss has hit a snafu. First I twisted my knee and made it swell to twice it’s normal size, and then I had some tummy problems that landed me in the ER. Again, no insurance. One of the towns a couple towns away has opened up a low cost clinic though, and I have an appointment there on Wednesday, so hopefully they can find out what’s going on with my tummy, and give me some medicine for my Fibromyalgia, which would be absolutely amazing! I don’t know how much more of this constant pain I can put up with!

I’m so all over the place with my thoughts right now, and these blog posts never go the way I want them to, so I’m just going to stop now, and leave you with a picture of some amazing jewelry I’m selling. Feel free to check out my website!!

I kept looking at my laptop yesterday, thinking I should post something about you. I’ve never had a problem sitting down and writing about how you were doing, and how your disease was progressing. After watching you take your last breath yesterday though, I’ve found it not so easy. Just opening this window, and knowing I was going to write about you, made me start crying. I’ve never cried as hard as I did when you stopped breathing. Even though we knew it was going to happen, and that it was going to happen anytime. It’s why we were there in the hospital with you, because we knew this was the end.
But seeing my Aunt Betty collapse onto your chest and finally start sobbing; well, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I ran out to my car, slipping on the ice and snow, and just started sobbing. Sobs that sounded like screams and felt like my chest were turning inside out with each one.
I went back in, and we sat with you for a while, talking to you, holding your hands, kissing you, talking to each other. Finally, we knew it was time to go, and let the hospital staff do their jobs. I stood there staring at you, and I swear your chest was moving, you were breathing. But you weren’t. It was my own selfish, wishful thinking. I know you’re so much happier now. You’ve been in pain and confused for too long. You’re now back to being the larger than life Uncle Bill I’ve always known and loved. You’re back to being the gruff man who didn’t much care for kids, but would rock my baby Ariel for hours and hours and hours, and bite my head off if I wanted to go lay her down.
You and Ariel and your grandson Blair always had such a great relationship! They both thought you walked on water, and you could make anything fun for them. Just throwing dirt or kicking rocks took on a whole new meaning when they did it with you!
I remember when I was 3 or 4, and I did what I wasn’t supposed to, and I ended up getting hit by my cousin racing his bike. It knocked me unconscious , split my eye wide open, and left me with lots of bumps and bruises. Aunt Betty doctored me up and lay me on the couch next to you. I remember waking up, and the first thing I saw was the football game on TV. You looked over at me and said “You won’t do that again will you?” I don’t remember my answer, if any, but I curled up in your lap and went back to sleep.
The last couple of years haven’t been that man though. You started off by forgetting things; little things, like where you put your keys. But then you started driving places, just in town, and not knowing where you were or why you went there, and then after a while, you didn’t know how to get home either. So Aunt Betty had to take away your keys, which didn’t work because you’ve always been smart as hell, and you’d find them and the first thing you’d do is go off driving. So Aunt Betty sold your truck. God, I’ve never seen you so mad as you were then! But you forgot, as was normal with the disease…you forgot you’d ever had a truck, or that she’d sold it.
When Aunt Betty made the decision to move you guys up to Shingletown, I was so sad and worried and happy, all at the same time. Sad because I wouldn’t be able to stop in and see you guys whenever I wanted, worried because I thought it might make your mind worse to take you to a different environment, and happy because every time Aunt Betty talked about the move, she was so happy to be getting out of this area and getting to be closer to her daughter and 3 grandchildren!
The kids and I came up there to see you guys as much as we could. Ariel’s favorite thing was taking you to play in the snow with us, because you’d push them down little snowy hills on their sleds and throw snowballs at them. Our last trip to the snow with you in January was a little scary. You kept wanting to walk out onto the highway, and I kept telling you you couldn’t. I was getting really worried that if I turned my back you’d try to cross the highway. Finally you got mad at me and said “Do you want me to just pee right here??” Apparently you had to pee, but it took you a really long time to get the words out. I almost started crying right there on the spot!
It wasn’t but maybe a month after that that we had to put you in the home. I thought that was the hardest thing any of us would ever have to do. My naive mind refused to believe that this meant you were getting worse, and fast. I refused to believe you would ever die.
And then I got a call at work on Monday that you were rushed to the hospital and not expected to live more than 2 hours. Your blood pressure was 70/0. I started crying and told my boss I had to go and I wasn’t sure when I’d be back. I raced up there, calling when there was phone service, and finding out that you were holding on.
A little over 4 hours later, I got to you. I walked into the hospital room, and it didn’t even look like you, not at all. I started bawling all over again, having thought the 4 hours of crying on the way there would drain me. But no, seeing you there, that was real, and it wasn’t something I was ready for.
After a few hours, nothing had changed. You hadn’t gotten better, but you hadn’t gotten worse either. My cousin (your granddaughter) Melisa and I, refused to leave, and made the “adults” go to the hotel and get some rest. We got out Mellisa’s straightening iron (has she told you she’s just finished cosmetology school??) and she set out to straighten my ever so curly and thick hair. All the while, we were both facing you, watching you, making sure the rattle never left your chest, because it had become the thing that made you ok (in our minds).
My hair turned out great, and now touches my butt because it’s straight. I love it so much, and Melissa is going to do it permanently on Saturday for me. Every time I look at it, I’ll remember you, and that night. But that was an ok time, because you were there, and you were holding on.
By morning, I wasn’t sure what you were waiting for, but it was clear that you were waiting for something. You were breathing so hard, the rattle had gotten louder, and you were losing the color in your face. Finally Aunt Betty and Cheril got on either side of you, and I stood rubbing your leg. Aunt Betty told you it was ok to go, that your parents were waiting for you, and that she’d see you soon. She told you how much she loves you, and always has. I just kept telling you it was ok. I don’t know what was ok, but it was ok…you were ok, and we were ok. Finally, Cheril kissed your cheek, and told you that we would all take care of Mom (Aunt Betty to me). All of a sudden your breathing slowed, then stopped, within minutes. That’s all you needed to know, that the love of your life was ok, and was going to be taken care of.
I’ve never seen my Aunt Betty cry like that, and my own chest has never hurt so badly. I kissed your cheek, told you I love you, and went outside for a minute, which is where this tribute to you comes full circle.
I love you so much; so much more than I thought or knew or could comprehend. Watching you go, seeing Aunt Betty’s pain, and feeling my own heart literally hurting so badly…none of those compared to when we finally left, and we had to leave you there. We don’t get to see you again, except in our pictures and in our hearts and our minds’ eye.

Such a handsome man! Nov. 2005

All of us, Jan. 2006

I love you so much, and you are already so missed! I hope you’re fishing, just like Ariel prayed for for you. I love you…