Day 40 – I Need A Road Trip!

The whole premise of this blog is that I’m getting rid of crap via road trips. The fact that I haven’t taken one in forever makes me feel like a fraud! The fact that I have a ton of stuff to work through because of the uterine donor makes it necessary.
I don’t know if I’m grieving, or just working through the crap, but boy-howdy are the emotions and thoughts all over the place! The only thing that has remained constant is I have no desire to ever have her in my life again, in any way, shape or form. But that’s really such a small piece of the puzzle. I find myself feeling bad for her now, guilty that I’ve made her cry, because I know perception is reality. Her perception, no matter how skewed, is what is real to her. That reality is that we’ve been mean to her, broken her heart, and left her to fend for herself. It makes me sad that I’ve caused a person to feel this way.
The true reality, however, we all know is much different, and really does leave myself and my family as the victim. Knowing all of this is where my roller coaster starts. One minute I’m spittin’ mad, and the next I feel like crying because she’s hurting. It’s ridiculous, and the entire thing makes me angry in the end. And exhausts me.
I need to figure out how to let go of all of it, and just be neutral with the entire situation. I don’t need the hate eating at me. I don’t need the poison.

I’m down a pound, and sore as all get out, so I think this exercise thing is working. I’m taking a break tonight…drinking lots of water and letting my body heal. Back at it tomorrow…maybe some couch to 5k?

Tonight, I leave you with something that made me a bit green…I so want this, and I’m jealous that they have it!

Day 28 and 29 – From Hurt Comes Anger

Isn’t that the way it always works? I think it’s a built in defense mechanism; or maybe it’s just built in for me.
My mom has decided not to come back to our house. That part is fine. It’s the part where she’s telling everyone we treated her like a dog that really gets to me. We did everything for her, we stopped and then rearranged our lives for her, and most of all we put up with her! And that’s the thanks we get? She leaves a week before the rent is due and tells everyone we were horrible to her. It pisses me off to be quite honest.
I’ve had to make my peace with who my mom is many times. I thought that once she stopped doing drugs she would be different. But the fact of the matter is, she is who she is, whether it be from the drugs, her upbringing, whatever; and she doesn’t want to change, because she doesn’t see a problem. It’s everyone elses problem, not hers. All the people that have tried to help her throughout the years…to hear her tell it they’ve all been horrible, controlling, abusive, etc etc etc. She doesn’t stop to realize that she’s the common denominator.
And as usual, I’m left to pick up the pieces. My mom was supposed to give Ariel $100 for her birthday shopping spree. Do you think that’s going to happen now? Fat chance. She didn’t even bother asking about the kids yesterday when I talked to her, just said she couldn’t handle them looking at her like she’s crazy anymore. UM, you are fucking crazy, and the Methadone isn’t helping!! My kids aren’t stupid and naive like I was. They know something is wrong. They’re not sheltered from the outside world like I was, and they know what normal looks like. They know she is not it!
But we’ve all dealt. And we’ve all put up with a whole lot of shit from her. And that has ended.
I told her yesterday not to contact us again once she gets her stuff out of our house. I want nothing to do with her ever again. She’s not worth the pain she causes, and I can’t fix her, no matter how hard I try. And I’m done trying. I’m not going to allow someone as toxic as her to have any part of my life!
So, I officially have no parents. I mean, I used that term loosely anyways, since I had her for a mother and she has no idea who my father is. But now when I speak of any mother or father in reference to myself, it will be my husband’s parents. They’ve shown me more affection and love in the time I’ve known them than my mother has shown me in my 30 years of life!
And you know what, that’s ok. I am who I am because of what I’ve been through. I am a strong, self reliant person because she gave me no choice for as long as I can remember. While my friends were going to preschool, I was staying out of the way of a drunk step father and drug addict mother. When my classmates were being taught to shave by their mothers, I was teaching myself through trial and error. And when my friends were planning their senior years, I was changing diapers. It’s the way it all worked out, and I’m stronger for it.
Every story has a beginning and an end. I like to think she was the end, and this is the beginning for me

I leave you with a picture of a phoenix…I think it might be my next tattoo!

Day 24 – AKA I Think I’m Tired of AKA

So, if I remember that I hate it tomorrow when I blog, I think I’m going to stop using it. In a month I’ll miss it

As some people know, I have a half sister. When I was growing up, she was my favorite pen pal. We wrote, exchanged pictures, and occasionally threw in a phone call. Then something happened, and we stopped talking. I was maybe 13, already moved out of my mom’s house, and I wanted to go meet my sister in person. I think she panicked. Being 10 years older than me, she had more time for things like wisdom and baggage when it came to my mom, and she had no interest in meeting me and opening that door. I think she was afraid, and of what, I won’t speculate, because I truly don’t know, but she stopped talking to me and we lost touch.

Thanks to the power of Facebook, and my never ending desire to learn more about where I come from and who shares my blood, we are talking again. The conversations are in writing, and consist of nothing more than pleasantries you’d exchange with an acquaintance. Periodically I tell her I’d like to talk more, maybe over the phone, maybe meet, and she always skillfully ignores those requests like they never made it through cyber space. I don’t push. I don’t want her to leave again, and I do hope to someday be able to touch her face and meet my niece and nephew. If that means I have to be patient, and let her do the driving, I will; forever if that’s what it takes.

Tonight I got a random message from her on Facebook. She wants to start texting, and gave me her phone number. She also wants pictures of my mom, to see if she looks like her. It’s funny, because I see the family resemblance in her kids more than her, but when she was in her teens and 20′s, she looked a lot like our family.

I haven’t written her back yet. Someone told me the other day I’m a processor, and I think it’s something new about myself that I’m learning. I used to be a very off the cuff person, and I had a hard time thinking before I spoke. While that last part might still be true, I do like to really think about things and mull things over. Unfortunately for my Facebook friends and family, I have my “status” at my fingertips at all times, and they’re usually the ones that get my off the cuff responses to life! But something like this, I have the strength of the internet on my side. Since we’re not having a face to face conversation, I can take my time and form my response. I want this time, not because I’m unsure of her request, but because I’m unsure how much to take away from it. As I’ve said before, I always felt like being an only child was a huge disadvantage that I don’t wish on any child. I feel like you miss out on such a huge part of socialization, love, friendship, camaraderie, etc. I want nothing more than to be a sister, an autie, and for those words to have blood behind them! But I also don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to get my hopes up, only to find out I want more from this relationship than she does. And I know she’s not ready for any type of “where is this going?” talk.

So, I’ll gather some pictures, and write her back with my phone number. Hopefully we can start texting, and form a relationship. One of the things she said is we really don’t know each other, and that statement couldn’t be more true. In her entire email, it probably stands out the most for me, because it touches my heart the most. I want to know my sister, who she is and why. I know it’s a long road. And I’m committed. Probably more than I’ve ever been committed to anything in my life.

I don’t have a good picture that I want to put with this post…so I leave you with one I borrowed from Google

Day 10 – AKA MELTDOWN!!

Today was a good day at work. I got to work at work for half the day, and I REALLY enjoyed it. Seriously. Let me reiterate that. I REALLY enjoyed it!! I got to run credit cards for people that were past due, then call them and tell them. I got to cut people off that weren’t paying. I got to threaten with collections, and I got told “I don’t care, I’m unemployed!” I know it sounds lame or retarded, but seriously, it was fun! I think it helps that I had a lot of training, and I’ve been training with fabulous people, AND our computer system is super user friendly. I mean, as of right now, I just can’t say enough good stuff about this company!!
Tomorrow they’re cuttin’ me loose, all by myself, at my own desk. Oh yes folks, it feels good to look forward to going to work!

Alas, my good mood was not destined to continue. Somewhere, Monday just had to rear its ugly head.

When I got home, I shared some excitement with my mom about the mortgage company asking for more information (yes, we’re still in the running for our own home!) and she proceeded to tell me that if she didn’t feel better soon we wouldn’t need to worry about a room for her. I took that to mean that she’s insinuating she’s dying, and it instantly irritated me. The woman eats non-stop, and call me crazy, but I just don’t think a dying woman eats everything in sight and talks incessantly.
So I told her she’s not dying, and continued my ritual of feeding the fish and dogs. She got mad at me, and started telling me I’m not a doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with her, etc. I tried to explain that I know I’m not a doctor, and she just kept interrupting me, telling me I don’t care, etc. Winnie chose this moment to start randomly barking her obnoxious as hell hound dog bark. I told her to stop, my mom was still complaining, and I just lost it. I screamed at Winnie, yelled at my mom that I don’t need her shit as soon as I walk in the door, and told her she needs to think before she speaks because we don’t need to listen to her talking about dying every day when she’s clearly NOT dying. I put Winnie back in her kennel, Ty and I put on our shoes, and went to Jack in the Box for dinner.
I had full intentions of eating my yummy home-made minestrone soup with some home-made biscuits for dinner, but that just wasn’t in the cards for me tonight.

Now Ty and I are in our PJ’s, playing on our laptops in my bedroom. I feel better since my little explosion, but I do feel bad for exploding in front of Ty. I mean, it wasn’t directed at him, and he understood, but it still wasn’t right. I’m not a yeller, at or around my kids, and I don’t want to start now. Guess I’ll just have to get better at removing myself and putting myself in timeout if we’re going to make this work with her living with us.

Ugh.

I leave you with a picture of Ty and I…playing with the web cam. We decided to make it snow…since it’s so cold here right now!

 

Day 3 – AKA Ummm….

You know, considering this is my blog, where I can write whatever I want, I sure spend a lot of time not sure what to write sometimes. Today is definitely one of those days. I want to complain about my mom, but she’s already gotten enough time on here. More than she deserves. I could talk about my poor Winnie’s swollen Veterinarian (Ty’s word!) but that’s gross and nobody really wants to know (let’s hope heat is over soon!) I could talk about all of the potential changes going on, and how I’m not letting them drive me crazy, but then they might start to drive me crazy, so we’ll skip that too.

So.

Ummm.

Everyone ready for the Super Bowl?

Yeah, really, I have nothing today.

I leave you with a fabulous picture of my kidlets last year at a lake I greatly miss in Oregon.

I Want To…Really!

Blog more that is. It just seems that my life is boring, monotonous, and hectic all at the same time. If I blogged daily, it would look something like this:

Today I took Ty to school, cooked Mom breakfast, did homework, cooked Mom lunch, cleaned, picked up Ty, did homework with him, cooked dinner, went to school, went to bed, and did it all again.

Boring right? I mean, don’t get me wrong, sometimes we mix it up with an ER visit, a dog with a quickly swelling face vet visit, or I volunteer at Ty’s school, but that’s really the extent of life these days. I need something really exciting to happen, like my other headlight to burn out on my car while I’m driving home from school at 10 at night! Now that would be blog-worthy! We’ll keep our fingers crossed.

In the mean time, I leave you with some friendly advice:

• When baking pumpkin cheesecakes, don’t start after school…unless you really do want to be up until 2am
• When it sounds like your washer is unbalanced and walking, you should move faster…unless you want water all over the floor
• Don’t give your puppy ice cubes…unless you want her to slide around corners trying to make it to the kitchen every time she hears the ice maker

And finally, a picture:

Ariel and I at the Alzheimer’s Walk last weekend. We had a record of over 2500 walkers, and we raised almost $260,000! We’re so proud to have been a part of that, and can’t wait to do it again next year!!!

Stupid Love

Lately, when I sit down to blog, I don’t even know where to start, or how much to put out there. So I don’t. This is supposed to be an outlet, yet I censor the shit out of myself on here. I’m working on it.
Life has been a bit of a challenging roller coaster lately. I’m excelling in school, and struggling at home. Nothing new that the book stuff comes easy I guess, but I really need to get my head into the rest.
Taking care of my mom, and having her here, has been harder than I thought, in ways I hadn’t thought about.  I love having her here, I love caring for her and knowing she’s safe, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s just harder than I thought it would be…I love her. I love having a mom, finally, after 29 years. And I get her back to watch her die. It seems a bit cruel if you ask me, which no one did.